Unexpected Grief for Mother's Day

Whenever I dreamt about being a mama I never really thought about the fact that it is always entirely possible to lose a child. This past week that became a reality as I, we, our little family, lost an itty-bitty baby to a miscarriage. 


A little back story: we've been trying to get pregnant again for about seven months. Each month that passed it got a little harder and I freaked out a little more. We got pregnant with Liam so quickly that it seemed strange for it to take so long the second time. As March ended, I made a conscious decision to stop being in control of something that in many ways was completely out of my control and simply trust God with the process. We found out May 2nd that I was pregnant. 


Of course we were thrilled and immediately started dreaming and planning. A quick internet calendar told us a possible due date would be December 29th which for our family calendar is just about perfect. Rob and our families would be on break from school and we wouldn't have to travel anywhere for the holidays. We could stay home, snuggle our new baby and have people visit us. We did the slightly inadvisable, but still good thing, and told just about everyone at church and our families and friends. 


And then it started. Just a tiny spot of blood that turned into a lot of blood and well, you can guess the rest. Two days of me laying on the couch and in bed, thinking, praying, asking lots of people to pray, trying to manage the slowly rising despair that we were going to lose this baby as the blood refused to stop. Then, confirmation from the doctor on Sunday afternoon that our baby was gone. 


Throughout those days that held many parts of light and dark, truths about God clicked into place for me. In Bible study we've been reading through Trusting God, Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges, which of course was part of God's perfect timing and plan. After many semesters of being in this Bible study, this is the book that we're reading in what to date has been my greatest trial. This book is so rich and full of scripture and truth that I think had I not been right in the middle of it, I might have responded to this trial very differently. I had just taught the class on Wednesday night before my bleeding started Thursday morning on the chapter entitled Choosing to Trust God. Thursday morning the material was so fresh to me that I was able to sit up and say out loud, "Lord, I choose to trust you. No matter what happens, no matter my emotions, my fear, my own failures, I choose to trust you." The peace didn't come immediately, but throughout the day as I worked hard to choose to trust and to capture emotions and thoughts that were not of the Lord, peace came and as I laid my head on the pillow that night I said with full sincerity and assurance, "Thank you Lord for this good day." 


How was I able to say thank you for a good day that involved going through the loss of a child? Certainly not on my own strength. Only by God's great mercy and his Holy Spirit in me was I able to have joy in the midst of suffering. 


Of course not every moment of this trial has looked like that. There have been many tears between Rob and I as we worked through this. Little moments of sadness come creeping in. Grief is a great thing that simply does not go away because we wish it will. I know there will be many days of sadness. 


However, there have been many good moments that have come out of this time, and while I know the sadness is still there underneath, the good moments far outweigh the grief and for that I am so thankful. Liam of course has been the greatest joy. I think in his own little-man way he understood that mama was sad and hurting and he comforted me. He gave me extra hugs and kisses. He snuggled before bed. He played. He made us laugh out loud by just being himself. He made me keep going. I think this would have been completely different without him. The joy of already having one child who needs you doesn't erase the sorrow of losing another, but it helps to keep you going. He still needs to eat. He still needs his diaper changed. He still requires a lot of work that helped me look beyond myself and not stay sitting in self-pity and despair. After we found out that we lost the baby, it was in many ways a relief that I could get up and wash dishes and make food for us. Just going about a routine and working is like a balm. 


This trial also taught me that I need to just be with Liam. So many days I spend rushing from one thing to another, trying to keep a clean house, make a great meal, etc. While those are important things, they are not the most important thing to my son. One morning Rob was gone and we had so much fun with mama laying on the couch making Liam's stuffed mouse talk in a funny voice. I realized that wasn't something I normally did with him and I want to change that in my relationship with him. I wish that I hadn't needed to go through this to come to that conclusion, but it was a good thing that came out of this trial. 


The other good thing about this trial was that our faith as a family was strengthened. Yes, our prayers for God to spare our baby were not answered and we don't understand that. We probably won't understand that this side of heaven. But that doesn't mean that God is not good. That God is mean. That God doesn't love us. That God is not sovereign and in control of our lives. He loves us in ways we can't even imagine, even if that means taking our baby. This is a very hard thing about God to understand and I doubt that we ever will fully understand it. But walking through a trial that brought us to our knees and to a place before God where we were desperate, strengthened our faith and brought us closer to God and each other instead of pushing us away from him. He wants us to come to him in all circumstances, good and bad. He wants us to trust him in the big and the small, and that is one thing we certainly learned over the past few days. 


Finally, another sweet thing that came from this trial was being part of the body of Christ. Knowing that people around the country were praying for us was so comforting. Our church family brought us meals, offered to watch Liam, hugged us, shared their miscarriage stories with us and so much more. It is so humbling to be on the receiving end of tremendous love, but so good. This is what the body of Christ is for. Going to church this morning to be with the body was the only place on earth I wanted to be today. Thank you to all of you who were Christ to us these past few days. 


If you've made it this far in reading, thank you too. :) I process so much through writing and just putting all of this into words has been very healing already. I felt like I needed to share this story with a bigger audience to give the glory to God in the midst of trial. He is the one who gives and takes away. He is the one who opens and closes wombs. He is the one who does not change like shifting shadows who we can trust in all things. 


Please continue to pray for us as you think of us. Losing a child, no matter the age, is a very sad thing and I know it will change me as a person and as a mama forever. I doubt that mother's day will ever look quite the same to me in light of this loss this weekend. I pray that your own faith will be strengthened by our story and you will say with us, to God be the glory, great things He has done.